Jokes Thread

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys.

All on different branches at different levals

some on their way up and some down

those at the top look down and all

they see are smiling faces

those at the bottom look up

and all they see are assholes

A blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. 

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."

"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."

I seen this joke posted elsewhere and thought it was hilarious so just had to share it with everyone here

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt - Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

nice one :))

NICE 1 KEEP THEM COMMING

A man hears a voice that tells him “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores it. The next day he hears the same voice telling him “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores it. On a third day, he hears the voice again saying “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He finally obeys.

Upon arriving in Las Vegas, the voice says, “Go to the Rio.” He does.

At the Rio, the voice says, “Put your last $10,000 on a WSOP entry.” He does.

The first hand of the tournament, the man is dealt Ah Ad. “Go all in,” commands the voice. He does and gets three callers. The flop is 9c Tc Jc. “Fuck” says the voice.

A man is in the queue for the cashpoint and an old lady in front of him ask if he will check her balance. So he gives her a push and she falls over.

...I went to the doctor today..he said, "do you want the good news, or the bad news first?"

I said, "Good news"

He says, "You're going to have a disease named after you"

muahhahhahahaaa

what is the...difference between a large pizza and a professional poker player?
the large pizza can feed a family of four