Jokes Thread

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

Age-Old Riddle

If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.

The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."

The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."

The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."

The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."

The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."

"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate

demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his

young bride.

"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract,"

snapped the oil man.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife

isn't a piece of property; you don't own her!"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect

exclusive drillin' rights!

How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?

Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

A: Because they always forget the recipe.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for yhe lone office. 

She says she is going to Europe on businessfor two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer asks her what kind of security she has for the money. So she hands over the keys to her new Mercedes Benz SL500. The car is parked on the street out front. She has the title and everything checks out.

The banks president has a good laught with the officer as the car is worth $110,000 to cover a $5,000 loan.

The car is then parked in the banks underground car park.

Two weeks later she returns and repays the $5,000 loan plus the interest.

The officer says that we are happy to have had your business but seeing as you are a multy millionare why did you need the loan?

The blond replies,  "where else in this city could i park my car for $15.41 for two weeks and expect it to be when I return.

good idea,keep threads in the approipriate place,and thats no joke!!

What did the blondes left leg say to her right leg?

Nothing, they 've never met.

whats brown and sticky?

a stick 

a man walks into a bar

ouch 

In restaurant  guest call waiter.

Can i get toothpick?

Waiter say:  sorry sir but at this moment is busy !!

I use this couple times,nice tip ;)