Jokes Thread

sorry simon ....was concentrating on the not offence part ....

and slipped on the 1 a day .....

won't happen again ....

bill

sorry simon ....was concentrating on the not offence part ....

and slipped on the 1 a day .....

won't happen again ....

bill

It's all good thank you and keep posting your 1 joke per day they are fun hehe :)

A Married Irishman

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said

to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed

together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as

putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For

your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the

poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers,

and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a

moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him

saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the

poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on

the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay

waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.

"The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me

the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just

Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It

really Satisfies.' "The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells

him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer,

"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a

smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Time! x?" the fella proudly

replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella's on his right who just

happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys

call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD,

because Quality is Job One." "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The

guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY....'Like a Rock!' "And gives a

wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up

with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and

exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The

bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,

"Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A

WOMAN."

Train Set

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue... "for those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen..."

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.

"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god, the whole finger?"

"No thank goodness, it was the one next to it!"

>>Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year. . . . . . .

>> >

>> >A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

>> >

>> >"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

>> >

>> >"Not yet," she replied.

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by

hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via

any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life

completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good

friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as

Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE), Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter

(BEER) or my personal favorite, Victim-Of-Doing-Krappy-Administrative-Stuff

(VODKA). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated

from your system.

If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. But do not stress; there is a vaccine available... RETIREMENT!!!

Signs that you are too drunk would be...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.

Seams like i haven't seen the all of that forum yet, nice part!!

Oki here is mine:

On christmas night in England a laddy that just lost here dog starts searching in the wood next to here place, she founds a little fox and takes him back at home. Once she feed him and gave him a bath the fox comes up to here and sayed:

i could make real three of your wishes but you must be carrefull cause everything you'll ask will be tripple to your man!

She agree and asked:

1st: i'd like to be the most beautyfull person in the world, the fox accept and remember here that here man will be the most beautyfull man in the world, that's okay she says we've been together for a long time i'm shure he's faithfull, they than becomes the most beautyfull couple in the all world.

2d : i'd like to be the richest women in the all world, same advice from the fox, no problem she says we share everything, they than become the richest couple in the world.

3rd: for my last wish i'd like to have a little hart attack!!!

3 surgeons where bragging about their deeds, german, swede and american.

The german got a woman with her hand cut off completely, he fixed her hand pretty good, she's now one of the top handball players in the world, the german said.

The swede got a man with a sawn off foot, he put it back on and today the guy runs like a world champion in the 10000 meters olympics.

Then the american got a man with a sawn off head, he fixed it but the result is a kind of discussion, the man is now the president of america.

Pinocchio and Splinters

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper

Do you guys know how to change a fox intoo a caw?

Married here!! hehe :)

How can you get four suits for a dollar?

Buy a deck of cards.