Jokes Thread

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

William ... have you read the first post of the thread? Here I quote it for you ... please follow the rules!

Post your joke here, but please follow these simple rules:

1. No offensive jokes of any kind.*

2. You're only allowed to post 1 joke per day*

3. Don't copy/paste long jokes from website.

4. Don't quote/post ''Haha good one! Lol etc.'' as such posts won't end and this thread will get a 10x Haha for 1x Joke.

* Any posts of these types will be deleted. We also reserve the right to ban anyone who willfully violates the forum rules.

If everybody follow these simple rules there shouldn't be any problems and this thread will stay open.

Go ahead, make us laugh!!! :)

A guy is at a boxing match and a priest come and sits down beside him. When the match was just about to start on of the fighters nelt down and crossed himself. The guy asked the priest what exactly does that mean, and the priest replies not a thing if he's not a good fighter.

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

PI Simon can you please rename this thread to "Jokes thread rules" or some such title becuase I was reading a joke and vaughn had typed something like "Don't break the joke rules" I went out and looked for joke rules. Of course I didn't findthem in here and went back and posted asking vaughn what he was talking about.

Sorry Simon, just think it would save some confusion.

PI Simon can you please rename this thread to "Jokes thread rules" or some such title becuase I was reading a joke and vaughn had typed something like "Don't break the joke rules" I went out and looked for joke rules. Of course I didn't findthem in here and went back and posted asking vaughn what he was talking about.

Sorry Simon, just think it would save some confusion.

This is the thread where members are allowed to post joke you can't post them anywhere else because some people were abusing and were posting 5x jokes per day just to receive nibs and then some people asked me to put a joke thread where they can post one joke per day. So fay it's clean and people enjoy it ;)

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

WHO SAID MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of

his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You we re only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when",

the words were not coming easy,

"when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"I would have gotten out today."

*Edited by Admins*

Please follow the rules stated on the first page ... only 1 joke per day please.

LOVE MAKING

The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah

my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she

floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy."

The Frenchman replies. "zat is noting, when Ah've finished

making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah

lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above

ze bed in pure ecstacy."

The Redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin

the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my

weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."

*EDITED BY ADMINS*

Last warning ... ONLY 1 JOKE PER DAY please. It's stated in the rules, Thank you.

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the

bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three

men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks

the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I

went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in

the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking

woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His

buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and

would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it

on with your grandma and she is good - the best I ever

had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad -

but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,

"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked

it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by

the shoulders, looks him square in the eye and

says...................

"Grandpa... Go home, you're drunk!"