Jokes Thread

A blonde walks into a takeaway and asks for a cheese and tomato pizza. She sits there waiting for her pizza.

When its finally ready the guy behind the counter asks her "would you like it cutting into 6 or 8 slices?"

To which she replies "oooh, just 6, i couldnt eat 8"

what is a vampires favorite fruit nectarines

The Two Rules for Ultimate Success in Poker

1. Never tell everything you know.

Q. What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

A. About 45 pounds.

Whats the difference between a vitamin and a hormone...you cant make a vitamin!!

good one, Q. Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

A. He was looking for Pooh!

Whats the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish it will die.

Why do women have periods?

because the deserve them.

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?

The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

What is green and smells?

Hulk's fart.

What s the differnece between a rotweiler and a poodle?

If a rotweiler starts humping your leg you let it finish.

Two zebras pondering

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white

stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't

know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did

and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other

zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are

what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black

stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

What is the difference between a whore, a nympho, and a blonde?

The whore says, "Aren't you done yet?", the nyphone says, "Are you done ALREADY?", and the blonde says "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige..."

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "