Jokes Thread

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys.

All on different branches at different levals

some on their way up and some down

those at the top look down and all

they see are smiling faces

those at the bottom look up

and all they see are assholes

A blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. 

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"

"Yes."

"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."

"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."

I seen this joke posted elsewhere and thought it was hilarious so just had to share it with everyone here

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt - Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

nice one :))

NICE 1 KEEP THEM COMMING

A man hears a voice that tells him “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores it. The next day he hears the same voice telling him “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores it. On a third day, he hears the voice again saying “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He finally obeys.

Upon arriving in Las Vegas, the voice says, “Go to the Rio.” He does.

At the Rio, the voice says, “Put your last $10,000 on a WSOP entry.” He does.

The first hand of the tournament, the man is dealt Ah Ad. “Go all in,” commands the voice. He does and gets three callers. The flop is 9c Tc Jc. “Fuck” says the voice.

A man is in the queue for the cashpoint and an old lady in front of him ask if he will check her balance. So he gives her a push and she falls over.

...I went to the doctor today..he said, "do you want the good news, or the bad news first?"

I said, "Good news"

He says, "You're going to have a disease named after you"

muahhahhahahaaa

what is the...difference between a large pizza and a professional poker player?
the large pizza can feed a family of four

Q. Did you hear about how quick the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Lil Johnny finally grew up got himself married cleaned up his attitude and started a family. After the birth of his third child, Johnny decided that he would buy a family pet, so he went to the pet store and bought a talking parrot. While on the way home the parrot started swearing and carrying on, Johnny thought maybe he doesn't like to be in a car and he took his jumper off and covered up his cage. Still the parrot continued to swear and blaspheme in ways Johnny had never heard before. When Johnny got home he was worried that his children will hear the parrot and copy him, so without thinking, Johnny threw the parrot into the freezer. After about 1 minute of swearing and carrying on there was a loud screech then nothing. Johnny got worried and thought that he may've killed the parrot. So johnny went and opened the freezer and the parrot climbed out of the freezer and walked up arm and sat on his shoulder apologising for the disgusting language and asked continually for Johnny's forgiveness.

Just as Johnny was about to ask why the change in attitude, the parrot said in an inocent voice, May I ask you what the chicken did!

One fine day

in the middle of the night

Two dead men got up to fight

Back to back they faced each other

Drew their swords and shot each other.

Father christmas went to the doctor and told the doctor that he had a christmas cake stuck up his backside. The doctor told him to drop his strides and bend over. As the doctor had a look, he got up and said, Well santa, you certainly do have a christmas cake stuck up your backside, what can you do asked santa, not much replied the doctor, but I do have some cream for it!!!!!!!!

I know it's lame but it is the festive season.